Big Brother is not watching you...nor does he care.

Have you ever wondered if your life was like the Jim Carrey movie “The Truman Show”, your entire life has been recorded and watched by millions of people, for their own amusement they watch you. You are thinking about it now aren’t you? Yes I know you are. And if you’re not you will be thinking about it very soon. When you are tucked up in bed you will be thinking. “Wonder if they caught me watching that video that came up when I searched for the words “Hot, Asian and Giraffe”, What would be more worrying is did they wait until the watershed before they decided to show what you did to yourself while watching a video under the search terms “Hot, Asian and Giraffe”, Or did a bunch of kids ON A SCHOOL NIGHT NO LESS get a chance to witness you doing what you shouldn’t have. Your thinking now aren’t you? What about that time you ran around your house with a toy gun pretending you were in “Saving Private Ryan”. Oh I bet that would be embarrassing wouldn’t it. I would be embarrassed if it was me who was doing that (which I totally have never done....I am more of a “Platoon” kind of guy). But yes imagine it. Keep on imagining it. All those little moments have been watched by people. People you don’t know. Cameras, Microphones, BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU AND HE THINKS YOU ARE A BASTARD!



OMG LIKE I SOOOOO SAW WHAT YOU DID THEN !


In all seriousness however people do feel like this sometimes. As if their entire lives have been watched and monitored. That toaster you just bought from your local Argos. It has a microchip in it, and a camera. This relays messages back to the Breville head quarters. They monitor it all. Toast consumption. Toasting level, When, Where, How, WHY! People genuinely believe this. That somewhere out there in I don’t know Dorset or something there is a secret base which monitors us all on little tiny cameras and they sit there pen and paper ready writing down the location and activity of the how many millions that live here in the U.K (Do some research into how many people live in the UK will you guys?) But in all honestly, it’s a load of old fanny.


No picture here. I did not wish to type "old fanny" into Google


Ok fair enough London has more cameras than people. CCTV has always been to my knowledge a tool for aiding the capture of criminals and making our streets a bit safer. I really don’t think the government are that interested in what your father is doing right now. Or how many chips you are eating. But it is a few. Have a few more yeah scoff those chips!

Ever since George Orwell pissed off most people with common sense with his book “1984” people are fascinated by the idea of a “Big Brother” state. My personal favourite word is “Police State” or “Nanny State” (My Nan gets in a right state every new years but I digress). There is this somehow need for humans to feel like there is some bigger mystery going on. I guess that’s why we are the only animals to really take up religion. I can’t see all dogs going to heaven (loose film reference) but that’s because dogs would rather hump the pope than kiss his hand. I am getting off topic where was I? There is so much “evidence” created by these tinfoil wearing loonies to suggest we are living in some sort of era of non privacy, where our every move is monitored. Only 2 weeks ago I heard this amazing rumour that Microsoft’s new hot Christmas toy “kinect” had the ability to look into people’s homes. But what if you are not plugged into the internet? I’m sure someone will tell you that Microsoft (Or M$ as they are referred to in the gaming community) has some special amazing sensor ability to work the cameras wirelessly. I begin to think to myself maybe people like being watched. Like a downtrodden university student that has resorted to pornography for kicks (not from experience). The world now feeds off this need to be in some Orwellian nightmare.

So what can I say to finish off this most pointless message to everyone? Don’t let it bother you I guess. Do you masturbate in public? Do you hide children in letter boxes for thrills? Then don’t let it affect your life. Go about your day to day business. Go to work. Go to the bathroom. Don’t worry about the conspiracy nuts. Do not worry about the oppression you are suffering. It's all cool. Besides watching you all from bunker 27 I think it’s high time you all went out for some fresh air. Next to the big cameras, They won’t hurt you.



Stormtroopers - The Sexy side of oppression

Art House or Arse About

Check that out for a title....

Anyway, Tonight was the night I went to see latest Sci Fi Horror movie Predators. A movie about a ragtag group of "tough guys" and some latin lady because every bad ass lady in a film has to be like that. After what was a very very entertaining movie and what I feel is a real good succesor to the other movies (because lets face it you could poo in a bag and it would be better than no2) I came home to read some reviews of the movie and was shocked to see it was getting review scores as low as 20% ! Shocked I went on to read what some of these fiends had to say about a movie that they probably could never make themselves and laughed at some of their comments
Most commented really on the lack of originality (in a sequel) and this got me thinking.

Do films always need a higher meaning?
I speak from personal experience. After studying for 3 years at university with a not so good (edit: Terrible) set of lecturers I realised the marking system there was very flawed. The films to do more with campaigns like films about dyslexia and such were very highly praised. Infact during our pitches for our films some people said their film could be taken to schools and stuff to help "stop bullying" (a feat most probably impossible but its always good to try). But never me. I never went to college first to learn to make movies before university. It was always off my own back. I always made movies for my friends and I feel this has taught people in my position much more than anybody who has studied for years in courses. Ive been taught the art of entertaining your audience first. For far too long those who work for messages and such have taken the limelight. Its about time the entertainers came back.

There is an old breed of film directors who we are sadly going to loose to make way for the artistic "ooh look at me I know films" rubbish that Tarantino spouts out these days and I feel this is a shame. There used to be a time when going to the cinema meant you payed a few pounds and just sat there for 2 hours got up and that was it. It was just like going to the circus. I dont think anybody goes to the circus and critisises it for not potraying the social problems of the working class so why should cinema. Its all about giving your audience escapism and thats what we have lost.

I realised something this week when I went to the cinema with my squeeze (Adrienne barbeau moment) to see a movie. The movie that I wanted to see was Sex and the City 2. Why? Because try as I might in the first film I actually enjoyed it. I was amazed not at the film it was a piece of ass but because for 90 mins I could just sit watch and go through the emotions that humans are for better or worse inflicted with. Well anyway I couldnt go and see the movie because the screens were taken up with advance screenings of the new Twilight movie. So sadly I had to go and see....shrek 4.... So I went in fully knowing I wasnt going to enjoy it.But you know what. I was really entertained by it. I laughed I had a bit of a jump moment and I did what I havent done for ages in a film. I sat there and smiled throughout. Like one of the vue cinema cliche videos on the start of films. I was that guy...except he has a black girlfriend. And I came out and what did I see. Loads of twilight fans. All smiling. They were clearly for all the shit we give them happy as larry for seeing the new twilight movie and that made me realise that it wasnt trying to be anything else but a piece of fun. For all the bastardisation it has done to the vampires vs warewolves concept they clearly were entertained and do we need to ask for more???

On the subject of the vampires vs warewolves thing and how it got spoiled if it was such a good concept it would have been done already....

Another film that really gets me worked up is the rather cool looking "The Spirit". I remember everyone talking about it being the next Sin City but were sad to find out that It wasnt. But was it really such a bad film? It wasnt as stylish or what have you as it but as a film it was as a welsh man would say "a right good laff".

And this boys and girls is what cinema needs again. No pretentious nonsence. No need to search for a meaning thats not there. No labeling a movie as bad because its unoriginal. We should base every movie on its individual merit. Dont review a movie by comparing it to another movie (Im looking at you sin city fans) but take each movie as a different experience weather it be a sequel or not (im looking at you Indiana Jones fans). Now if a film is genuinly bad like say Star Wars episode 1 then by all means its worth reviewing as such because that film wasnt even entertaining but thats another story.

Lets stop the search for a hidden meaning. Because when we do we loose something else. Our ability to imagine.

Nicholas has an epiphany

Recently like the rest of you jobless sods ive been worrying about what to do with my life. Things are as you can tell are rather gash right now. No work,No Money,No cheese.Well there was cheese but not edible cheese and that came from 5 days of no washing HELLO !. Anyway Ive spent the past 2 weeks complaining about my position. Because lets face it, its not a good position, The Spread eagle is a much better one but since that doesnt get you a job I guess thats out of the question.Unless your a hooker. Then spreading eagle is a requirement. But since im rubbish at that too then I guess pimping myself is out of the question. Anyway off the point now.

The story takes place yesterday. On my way back from Cardiff on the train I sat opposite this guy. He was about 45/50 ish I would guess. He was short sighted and was very nicely proportioned. I mean really nicely. Like a lorry nice. He had a "cardiff bus" hat hat on and judging by it he was coming home very late from work. Probably to a tv dinner but there we go. He was sat on his own. And you ever get that feeling when you see someone and you have that weird feeling as if the person is in pain and you want to help. I usualy get it with old people. Its what I call puppy syndrome.But this guy changed that. He was reading a newspaper when some kids came on the bus. They were the usual 16 something plastic bitches that live all up and down our great nation. They sat next to him. And I saw the one give him a right look. They were so trying to be superior and stuff. As if they were in some sort of elavated position to say and do what they like to this man. I dont think he really noticed and continued to read his paper. Anyway later on I caught a glimpse at him. He was staring out of the window. He blatantly had a million and one problems. And here my fellow readers is where I had my epiphany.
You see ive spent my weeks moaning to any S.O.B about my problems. How work is rubbish. No money etc. Yet there was this guy who was blatantly not very healthy, Couldnt move very fast or far and had a rubbish dead end job. The world looked against him in my eyes but here is the thing. He didnt look miserable. He looked dignified. He looked as if although all his problems content in himself. I didnt know why at the time that out of all the life experiences Ive had this one had such a profound effect on me. Now Ive realised why. Because Ive had it before.
Few years back I went to a nursing home to see a relative. While there I saw this old man in a chair. A pale thin man on his last legs. By his side was a very frail old lady. They were sitting together. She was visiting her husband. It could well have been her last. I was never sure. Yet she did the most amazing thing in the world. As she got up to leave she didnt make a big fuss she just kissed him on the head and told him she would be back tomorrow morning. This doesnt sound like much but this was something that made me feel that my problems in life were minimal to something as large as loosing a loved one who you have spent many years with. Looking back I can see the relevance in that and the more I think about it the more I have realised that actions like these can shape us as humans.
Back onto the train story. Just before he got off I had this need to speak to him. I did not know how though. So i wrote this for him. It reads...



" Dear Man on Train. Why are you so content? Can I have some please? Love Nick

He never recieved my letter. Yet I still think about what his reply would be.
So there we have it. My story of the man on the train who may have possible changed my life.

My long term relation with the King

Picture the scene. 1998.Or 1999. Neither have any real significance other than this is the time I had my very first computer. And one of those very first games I played (and stole off my cousin) was Duke Nukem 3d. It came in one cool as anything box that you dont see these days, You know them epic large (word) jewel cases. It had 2 sections to put disks in although looking back I dont see the relevance of the 2nd as it had no other games in there. Maybe I could store my forthcoming duke nukem games (lol) inside. It was also about this time that I heard that there was a sequel to Duke Nukem 3d coming out that year (if you know anything then you will remember when that release date was in relation to the dates mentioned above). The game was Duke Nukem sometime in the future.....or forever. Here is said trailer for game. I did not have the interwebz at this time so it wasnt until 2004 that I saw this trailer but I like to pretend I saw this in whatever year it was.



Check that out !

The trailer told me to bet on Duke. Like some sort of musclebound gambling addict. And I would. I would have at the time bet a lot of what I didnt have for that. But there we go.

In Hindsight Betting on Duke was not Such a great idea.

Que 2001. I was in a french class. Not a class in france but I class specificaly designed for the teachings of french. And by this time i had kind of forgotten a lot about the game. Because as I said earlier this was the time before the internet and such I was a bit behind on the news. But my friend dropped me a disk on the table. It was for the new PC gamer. It had apparently the most kick ass trailer of Duke Nukem foreve....ever (not duke nukem foreverever but as in the best trailer for it in a specific time space).
I took it home. Opened the disk tray, Put the disk in, Closed it. And it didnt load...theres the end of that. So using my amazing ability to use the school computers I fashioned myself a fancy google search and found the new trailer.
Holy me I thought. That looks rather spiffing. I must be purchasing this game eventually. When is it out I asked...
"When its done"
Balls........of steel.
What kind of half brained date is that. But if only I was a bit older I would have realised what I have now realised that this date would be an epitaph to 3d realm's grave...its shallow grave ( because duke lets face it was a bit shallow )

But none the less I wanted this game. I infact begged my parents for a new pc. And after about an age of begging we got a new computer.And a free copy of splinter cell....Nice.
Years past and nothing. After that all to brief (apparent all made up) footage from the 2001 trailer which I am not going to post up here because I frankly cant be arsed there was nothing. No more news. Sure we had Duke. We had a fair share of duke at the begginning of the decade. I had just purchased me copies of Time To Kill and Land of the Babes and the talk of a new Duke Nukem side scroller was all too exiting. But where was Duke? Where was he really? There were all these other new characters taking the spotlight. Master Chief had just done that thing where he pissed off a million fanboys calling his franchise milked after just one game. The internet revolution on consoles seamingly came out of nowhere and exploded onto the scene. But where was Duke? Answer. He had fucked off. And I had too. All the way up untill 2007. December 17 2007 infact.
A little teaser showing Duke being Duke appeared all over the internet. I exploded with exitement.I didnt care where he had gone now but he was back ready to kick ass. Then nothing. Dead...no more Duke. For another year. We had some nice little screenshots of Duke Nukem forever inside Duke Nukem 3d on xbla. Exitement again. Then nothing..Silence...until may 2009
You know there are those people. Idiots I call them. They say such rubbish as "Can you remember where you were at 9/11". Or any of those kinds of things. Well I cant. I cant remember what I was doing but for any loyal Duke Fan there is one day you can remember. The Day we saw that really awful "goodbye" picture on the Duke Nukem forever website (www.3drealms.com). We were all shocked...well we werent because lets face it they had made jack all for years but there was still that weird sinking feeling. Loads of people were linking me to websites. You heard this? You heard that. Yes I have. But little did I know this was just the beginning.
Im not going to bore you with any more details really but you all know what has happened this past year. Videos,pictures,court cases,date teases,rumours etc. Its as if the Duke Nukem hype train found one last lump of coal before spluttering Thomas the Tank Style.

Crude Photoshop to prove a point.

This isnt one of those blogs to rip into 3d realms. Nor is it an analysis on how they went wrong. No this is a look back at the time ive spent with Duke. Since Duke Nukem Forever first came into my life I have purchased No more than 5 Duke Nukem games. One of those is 3d which I got for xbla and will be purchasing the upcoming Duke Manhattan project. I had a Duke Nukem action figure who would regulary Duke (ha) it out with the resident evil cast of figures and I have been one of the only people I know who wanted to Keep the Duke Dream alive.
Sadly that is not the case. Duke left me many years ago without telling me. Like an affair if you will. I feel like he cheated on me behind my back. But that could be because ive been reading too many mills & boon novels. But would I take him back? After all he has done. Would I let that man back into my life. Yes I would. Id let him back to assault my bad taste and rob me of even more precious years we spent appart as I waited patiently like a puppy at the window for his return.
You can come back one more time Duke. But after that your out the door. Because im a new woman etc etc etc....
Ive had many in my time. From the green steely grip of the chief to the warm soft embrace of a necromorphs claw. But you were one of a kind duke. You werent like one of these others. You were a man. You were THE man. You were The King.

I have more friends than you lolz

Right so heres the thing. I was drunk. I had gin. I was REAAALLLYY pissed off. So I thought you know what Fuck it I will clean my facebook page up. But jesus me I didnt realise this was such a hard task not just for me but it was so hard for my friends to take the rejection.It was as if I had relations with their mothers or something (well a lot of them I have but thats another story HAR HAR).

So yeah I lowered my friends down on facebook to like 30. I was proud of myself. Finally I deleted the people that I didnt speak to. But even this was a hard task. There I am looking at friends of friends who Ive spoken to once thinking ooohh should I shouldnt I? Why not fuck it delete them. Why do we care? What is it that drives us to want to keep in contact with someone we will never speak to again. Well the answer is I have no fucking idea. But its silly. I feel silly and you should feel silly too.

Our lives are run by facebook now. Most of us would blame something like facebook or the machine for doing it to us. Its one big matrix style conspiracy where we fall into line or something and only the few brave marilyn manson listeners can see but Im a bit (delete as appropriate) Amazing,Sensible,depressed so I can see these things differently (dont delete the last bit there because the last sentence would look a bit silly).
Its our fault. We subject ourselves to an endless cycle of logging in and then looking at our friends pictures from the night before. Laughing because we know them then going. then 10 mins later your back on there. I bet you right now its one of your tabs (its on mine) and one of the first things you do is use it when you get on your pc. Oh I wonder what Emily von scotch pads is doing now (thats funny for like 3 people). You know what she is up to. Shes doing the same as you. On her pc trying to find out what shit your getting up to.
Anyway on with the story.
You cant believe the backlash you get from people for deleting them. People you dont know that well. I can see why some people will care because they are friends but i dont speak to them. If they want a conversation they can phone me. They can send me a email...or they could facebo...oh yeah I see what you guys mean now.

Nick

Who the Fudge is Cheryl Cole?

Who is she? Who is this mystical beast of yore that we are all supposed to adore. I google’d this in hope of finding some more information. I found nothing. No pictures of her. Just this bland normal faced thing that used to be in a girl band. And by god I am not going for one second think that all this time this is the person we are all supposed to admire in the hope of taking us to the Promised Land. Seriously is this the woman we are all supposed to admire. I hadn’t a clue until today who she was although I’ve seen her countless times on television and on facebook groups like “support Cheryl she is amazing” nonsense.
Cut
Move On
I actually made an effort recently to stop hating things I haven’t seen and base an argument of mine by observing so I didn’t get punctuation and grammar lessons (which in hindsight would make this whole blogging thing much easier) but instead watched an episode of Glee. Gleeming pile of arse (HA). Not only is this and Xfactor solely responsible for the bastardisation and popularity between twilight nerds over the song “Don’t stop Believing” but it suffers from what I call Ugly Betty Syndrome. I wish I could elaborate more on this but I think you understand what I mean.
God weren’t you surprised to find out Stacey Slater killed that old dude on eastenders. Darth Archie or whatever, I want to sound there like I don’t watch it but I’ve been glued to the box for years with this soap and like Soaps in prison have seen many a rape if this joke actually made sense. Anyway yeah my god. She killed him. But hang on wasn’t she like not by the pub at the time. I cant remember someone please tell me if they can remember Stacey’s whereabouts on that xmas ep before she apparently killed the old dude then cheers.